


A Coward's Lullaby

by rosarmio



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Abusive Dave's Bro | Beta Dirk Strider, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Dave Strider Has PTSD - Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Minor Terezi Pyrope/Karkat Vantas, POV Dave Strider, Past Child Abuse, Past Rape/Non-con, Past Sexual Abuse, davekat - Freeform, karkat clicks though, not a lot of comfort though its mostly hurt, unpacking all that shit, which is cute
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-03
Updated: 2021-02-03
Packaged: 2021-03-14 23:00:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,536
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29179110
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rosarmio/pseuds/rosarmio
Summary: A single thought can unravel all sorts of paranoia. Now, Dave Strider lies in his room with a pool of blood around his head.
Relationships: Dave Strider/Karkat Vantas
Comments: 4
Kudos: 29





	A Coward's Lullaby

**Author's Note:**

> this is triggering as fuck and heavily self indulgent . kiyo don't read this lmao . 
> 
> but yeah . theres yalls warning

===> Be the cool guy

your name is DAVE STRIDER and this is pretty fucking miserable. 

okay to be fair that's meant in more of a way to imply that you are absolutely miserable. this fucking sucks. 

what is this, you may find yourself asking? 

this is watching karkat and terezi get along so goddamned fucking well when, well, fuck.

yeah no so this is gonna make you sound like more of an asshole than you already are… but that should be you. 

why him, terezi? why did you have to go after him? 

you can imagine how rose would react to this right now, everything youre thinking.

“dear brother, maybe you should just attempt to talk to karkat alone about this. you are making things harder for yourself to be completely frank. blah blah big words blah blah.”

well. shes right. 

you know that rationally, this doesn’t mean karkat hates you or that he doesnt want to be friends anymore. but for some reason thats what it feels like. you want karkat to have more friends you really do. thats so awesome. but. hes your friend.

fuck haha. youre selfish arent you.

Selfish brat.

you back into the wall. youre feeling for the edge of the door to the hallway. as soon as you find it youre off. youre sprinting down the halls to your room because youre not ready. youre not ready. you dont have your katana. 

What, are you a coward, bro?

youre a coward. youre a fucking coward. 

hes coming. you cant escape him. youre an idiot to think you could. 

why are you trying to escape him all hes done is help you be stronger you should be grateful youre being a spoiled brat instead why cant you just be glad that you have someone who looked after you why are you so goddamned 

Selfish.

youre in your room. youre in your bed. there’s blankets all around you. youre hiding. why are you hiding. what are you afraid of. why are yo

Why are you hiding?

a chill runs down your spine. stop hiding. stop hiding just face him. 

stop hiding. 

Stop hiding, lil’ dude.

a shaky hand uncovers yourself from the blankets around you. you stumble around as you grab your katana. where is he. wheres bro. hes gonna come for you any second now you gotta be ready. 

the doorway. theres a shadow from behind you coming from the doorway. its him its bro hes coming. fuck fuck fuck fuck. 

your grip on the katana tightens. you swivel around and charge. the first attacker always has an advantage you need to have the advantage. you charge and charge and charge and

hes gone. 

he must have flash stepped. you spin slowly, watching your back. there he is again. hes by your desk. 

Come here dude. Or are you a coward?

you charge again. you gotta prove youre not a coward. youre not a coward youre not a coward youre not a

===> Be the Narrator

Dave Strider lies unconscious in his room, having hit his head on the corner of his desk. The reason he charged it is unknown to all but him. 

Poor kid, really. Years and years of childhood trauma does that to you, huh? Especially the untreated, unacknowledged kind. 

To cut him some slack, most kids would realize it's unusual to have to piss in bottles in order to avoid smuppets and strifes and cameras and beatings and Bro.

Dave doesn’t even realize to this day that it was fucked up. Can you imagine? A whole ass teenager who doesn’t realize your daddy ain’t supposed to beat and rape you.

So it’s not really a surprise he ended up like this. 

It is a shame though. He would’ve accomplished so many things if this timeline just weren’t doomed from the start for him. 

See, he’s a completely different person than he portrays himself to be. Cool Kid Dave doesn’t really exist. He’s a facade, as Rose might imply. 

As his Bro would say, Dave is nothing but a stupid coward. He’s awkward. He can’t do anything right. 

As he truly is, Dave is confused. He tries very hard, honestly. He’s strong, but just not strong enough. He lost a battle to himself and is now weakened from it. 

It’s not necessarily his fault for losing that battle. He’s a fucking child. His Bro shouldn’t have made it so that Dave had to win a battle against his own mind. 

Yet, here he is now, paranoid, delusional, irrational. Dave Strider was doomed from the start.

===> Be Dave Strider

your head hurts. like bad. really bad. you’re face down against the floor and as you look up you see your room. familiar. 

familiar is good. 

there’s a pool of blood though. you notice it as you sit up. touching your forehead is what makes you realize you definitely hit it because your fingers drop with blood. its in your mouth too. is your mouth bleeding? 

nope. thats your nose. 

what was happening? 

brain fog. always happens at the worst times. 

the light comes quick and everything turns to slow motion. hes here. bro is here to punish you for being weak again. you shouldve been stronger. you keep failing him over and over again. why are you afraid. 

Why are you afraid of me?

your eyes sting. fuck. if he catches you crying he might

shit. 

dont cry dont cry dont cry.

If you’re gonna act like a fuckin’ pussy, I’m gonna treat you like one.

your hand comes down from your forehead and you scramble to the corner of your room with your back to the wall. its okay. youre fine. you deserve this. 

You deserve all of this.

Coward.

hes right. you know he is. every time youve failed him has led up to this. fuck. youre fine youre chill. youre the chillest dude around. like a fucking freezer in some old white guys garage. got popsicles and microwave meals and shit stocked up. chill as fuck.

Why do you keep hiding?

Why are you hiding?

Why are you scared, Dave?

Dave?

“Dave?”

that voice is new. familiar. familiar is… good?

your eyes slowly scan upwards to the figure in your doorway. its too small to be bro. its smaller than you. who is that?

brain fog and blood spilling down over your eyes doesnt help.

the figure steps closer and you feel around for your katana.

“Woah, it’s alright. I’ll stay here.”

familiar.

karkat. its karkat. you bite your tongue so you wont cry and you look up at him for real this time. you want to apologize. you want to explain. you want to just fucking speak and yet youre back in your apartment hiding in your closet because youre scared of being hurt.

he seems to understand though. he slowly walks toward you and kneels in front of you. you notice that hes cringing at the blood all across your face and chest. this shirt is ruined and you need to wash your hands.

“Hey, it’s okay. Let’s get you cleaned up, alright?” he whispers this but you hear it just fine. he stands and helps you do the same. the two of you walk to the bathroom. slowly. quietly. you dont want bro to hear. 

you barely move the whole time karkat wipes away your blood and cleans out the gash in your head. “I’m going to go get bandages, I’ll be back, don’t move or I’ll rip your fucking shameglobes out,” karkat orders and you nod.

but. dont leave karkat. dont leave me here. i dont wanna be alone hes gonna find me i need you i need

hes gone. the door slams shut. 

you count every second that he’s gone. four hundred eighty three. by then youre backed into a corner again. you dont know how you got there or why.

“Dave?” karkat calls out when he gets back with bandages in hand. he scans the room for you. “Oh, there you are. Okay, here,” he says as he slowly makes his way towards you.

theres a gentle set of hands on your head. you close your eyes because fuck dude he is way too fucking close for comfort. 

the bandage slowly wraps around your forehead again and again and again and

oh hes done. 

you touch a shaky hand to your forehead. soft cloth replaces the gash. 

“Are you feeling better now?” Karkat asks, and he looks down at you with his big eyes that are just filled with pity and concern. you nod. youre not sure to be honest. but you want him to think youre alright. 

his hands are down by yours and he gently takes yours in his and helps you stand. this is new. you like the contact. its nice. “Lets go to my respiteblock. You should rest.” 

you follow him. you trust him. he can take you anywhere. hed protect you. you know he would. 

his mattress is covered in blankets. he just flops down onto it and pats the spot next to him for you. you sit next to him tentatively. 

“You’re quiet,” he points out. yeah. you should talk. 

“Sorry.”

his eyes go wide. “No! No don’t be sorry I was just pointing that out. Uh, what’s wrong?” 

you think. what is wrong? lots of things. “I’m a coward.” thats the first thing that comes to mind. youre a coward. all you do is hide and run youre too scared to fight back all you ever do is run away like a pathetic little c

“No you aren’t,” he says as if its a complete matter of fact. 

he doesnt get it though. he doesnt understand that youre supposed to be able to fight. “I have to fight. But I’m afraid to fight him. I just keep running.” 

a cocked head. “Fight… who?”

you can feel him. hes watching and listening. he knows everything. hes always watching. theres cameras everywhere even if you cant see them. 

“Bro.”

swords clink against one another in your ears. you hear the floor creak. a door opening. a knuckle against a cheek. your sobs as he forces you to

“What did your Bro do, Dave?” 

nothing he did nothing wrong hes a good dad hes a good brother hes the best you look up to him you love him he trains you to be the best he did nothing wrong he

“Hurt me.”

stop. stop fucking talking. stop. he didnt hurt you. he wasnt doing anything wrong. 

I wasn’t doing anything wrong, lil’ bro. Stop lyin’.

a hand on your shoulder. hes going to pin you down hes gonna

its just karkat. “Hey, shit. How did he hurt you? It’s okay, you’re safe.”

nothing he was only training me thats all he was doing its not like he 

“Hit me”

or 

“Starved me”

he especially wouldnt have

“Touched me”

and he never 

“Made me sword fight”

and hes a good bro hed never have

“Raped me”

it wouldnt be like him to

“Beat me”

and yet for some reason it feels like maybe none of that was training after all. 

suddenly the hand isnt on your shoulder. where did it go. karkat? karkat hates you he hates you he read your mind he knows what bro did he thinks youre dirty he knows youre a fucking brat he knows youre a dirty spoiled brat. 

“Can I hug you?” 

that surprises you. you nod though. youd like a hug. not to be needy of course. youd never ask. itd be rude to ask. you dont ask for that kind of thing. but… karkat wants a hug.

so you let him. his arms wrap around you and he buries his head into your shoulder and hes so warm and youre just taking in the contact you havent had a hug in so long. 

his hand rubs against your back. you realize youre being rude. you havent hugged back. you should. slowly and awkwardly you wrap your arms around him and rest your chin on his shoulder. you take it in. 

hes shaking a bit. “Are you okay?” you ask with your voice barely even in a whisper. its crackly and broken but its your voice. 

a sob of laughter breaks through him. “I’m fine! I’m worried about you, Dave! Are you okay? Fuck.”

oh. uh. are you okay? your first instinct is to say yes but now that you think about it he probably knows you arent. “I don’t know,” is what you decide on. 

he pulls away from you and looks you dead in the eyes, no shades. “Talk to me. What all did your Bro do exactly?”

hit me starved me touched me made me sword fight raped me beat me hid razors in my food watched me shower put cameras in my room put videos of me on porn sites kicked me cut me 

bro saw you trying to steal bread from the kitchen. he slapped you three times. you didnt get food for five days. 

you were brushing your teeth when he went to the bathroom to shower. for being in his way he palmed your dick and pushed you against the sink so youd hit your head on the mirror. 

he never thought you could defend yourself very well. he made you sword fight. he would kick you down the stairs. you never won. you always had to tap out. it hurt. 

bro caught you going through his room for a movie while you thought he was gone. he raped you against the wall and cut you all over and put it on his site. 

there was half a box of pizza left. you hadnt eaten all week. you were eager to eat. starving. you bit into it and something sharp cut your tongue. you couldnt talk right for a week. 

when you finished showering you opened the curtain to see that bro had been watching the whole time. he kicks you to the ground as you step out of the shower. you can barely breathe when hes done. locked doors never stopped him. 

you got undressed for bed. it was hot. you were only wearing boxers. out of the corner of your eye you saw a red light. theres a camera pointed right at your bed across the room. 

the dams break. you sob into karkats chest and everything comes out. you dont know what youre saying you just know youre telling him everything and you cant stop yourself. the words keep coming and he just nods and pats your back and shushes you and listens. you keep talking and talking and he just listens for hours and hours. 

you cant breathe very well now. no more tears. youre crying but its dry. you must be out of tears. your head hurts. you want to sleep. karkat is holding you. you finally stop talking. 

“You’re really strong. Shit. You shouldn’t have to be but you are. You’re so fucking strong and I’m sorry. I’m here. You’re safe.”

you lean against him taking short deep breaths. your eyelids feel heavy. he rubs your back and clicks at you. its like a lullaby. you fall asleep.


End file.
